Long Distance To "Real Life" Transition 1

I don't have advice to give which is guaranteed to work. That being said, I do have some suggestions which SHOULD work...

1. Realize that your transition into her space is a major, major change. It is unrealistic to expect that your relationship will be perfect immediately. Now, the only reason I am saying this simply to say your expectations should be realistic -- an awkward or difficult transition, working things out, then things getting better gradually. If she is anxious, you'll just have to tell her to do her best to put up with matters while you both work them out. That's certainly Domly!

2. You can't expect to be Domly 100% of the time anyway. Your biggest problems are really just mental. You feel awkward -- it's like you think you should try to take over her space, and yet you feel a bit ludicrous trying. Readjust your mental framework. Take baby steps. Define a specific target and focus on it. This is the path to concete success. Let's give some examples...
   • Say you take "control" over the bedroom. Make it "your" space, change it around, add decorations, fix up some DB gimmicks, do whatever you need to make your mark on it so you feel really comfortable there ... leave the rest of the house (mentally speaking) as "her family territory". You can also formally set up rules how she is to behave in this space.

   • I think another very positive thing to do would be to define "Dom time", a specific time each evening after the kid was in bed in which you would feel empowered to take charge. Now, this does not mean that you have to do anything special, but rather that a change takes place. Here is where the use of structural elements comes in (next item).

3. Rely on structural elements. By this I mean set up rules and let her follow those, rather than having to constantly monitor and manage her. Again, more examples...
   • Set up regular outfits she is to put on for "Dom time". Perhaps set ones for weeknights, and you choose for the weekends.

   • Set up standardized obeisance for her during this time.

   • Take charge of her health program, and have her do an exercise routine which she may not have the commitment to do by herself. This allows her the opportunity to prove her submission to you and yet it does not require that you have to direct her constantly in what she does.

   • During "Dom time" she could have a set of requirements, such as telling you how her day went (if not already discussed), reporting on the status of any outstanding assignments you've given her, etc.

4. Try to discuss matters and identify times when it is appropriate or timely for you to make decisions affecting the family versus just her. If you can agree on these boundaries, then the whole range of your interactions will feel more comfortable. Realize that in this situation, you are either leading the family, or else you are adding your support to it (even if you feel you just are following her directions). Your contribution is always welcome and is always important as a male to the wellbeing of the household. Thus, you need to learn to view your role as more than just her Master -- you are the male of the household and serve an important function in that role which does not depend on Domliness.

5. Sit down and think quietly about long range goals for what you want, specifically, from her submission. If you can itemize these, prioritize them, then begin to lay them out in a timeline then you will feel that you have a course of action and a sense of direction. It is not desirable to rigidly pursue them, but rather you must change your feelings about how you want to make her your slave and realize that you are leading her on a journey, not just sitting around her living room.

6. Regarding this thing of getting a separate residence.... I would suggest that you hold off for a little bit. Living full time there is a valuable learning opportunity, and moving out is actually a retreat which to my mind is only beneficial if you HAD to move out and mentally regroup. Maybe you're at that point, but I'd suggest that you try some of these concrete suggestions (and other people's ideas) first and see the result. Only if they don't seem to do much good would I pull back. If you can stay put and you do experience improvement then I think you're much further ahead. Remember that a lot of the "friction" you feel is what you'd be feeling anyway simply because it comes from different lifestyles attempting to merge. Running away from that doesn't cure it, but experiencing it, sharing it, compromising, and adapting does. I would say that if you feel you need a break from the environment and some time to regroup and rethink, then just take a weekend and explore some of the territory around your new city.

Good luck...

-- Master Robert