Submissive, not stupid

personal view by Lane

this is something that i posted on the bondage board in Vices & Virtues on AOL... and that i felt might be appropriate as well for this list....given the online searches that go on among members for the perfect playmate....it is long....but hopefully may mean something to some here whose quest mirrors mine....

to the board in general....

i want to relate the events of the past week or so of my life to the board...but mostly to the new subs here who think that all this whips and chains stuff sounds like great fun that they would like to try for the first time with a stranger that they met online.....

there are a lot of levels in BDSM play...and here on AOL you can meet them all....they range from your garden variety person who just likes the idea of tying someone's wrists to the bed with ribbon ...all the way to people who will HURT you physically and emotionally....and SCAR you for life.... or worse....

i am a tough customer when it comes to my quest for the perfect Dom....i take no prisoners...i have had conversations with hundreds at this point.....and up until now i have held my ground.... but even someone like me can get discouraged....can want to see something in another person so badly that they are willing to ignore the warning signs at first.....

we met online....and he struck me immediately as different from all the rest....i gave him the standard smart-aleky responses....he just chuckled.....i found that encouraging.....so i pushed harder...and he pushed back....."great" i thought.....one that won't back down to me....check number one off the criteria.....

we took the relationship to the phone.....and he started pushing harder....preaching a line of how he wanted 24/7....loyalty....monogamy....total commitment....all the things i search for...for i am forced by my very nature to need to devote myself to ONE person only...who i will adore, and will give all that i have to give of myself to.....check number two off the criteria....

once i related to him that i shared his beliefs.....he stated that he demanded total and immediate obedience.....for me to be the "good subbie" of his dreams....well....that i can do...for the right Dom.....one that i trust and believe in...one that i know will not try to take me past the places i cannot go....who will understand when i have hit a wall that i cannot pass....at least without long term work.....and i told him that the capability was in me.....for the right person to find....

he was alluring.....completely captivating....so powerful that i found myself slipping into a state of all but constant arousal.....all but constant thoughts of being at his feet as soon as we could possibly arrange it.....he seemed to see inside my soul....to the person that i want to be....to the person i could be.......and he used it to go deeper into my head....to begin tearing down so many walls that the sound of them falling became almost deafening......

and then he began demanding that i send him little things....little sexy tributes in the form of stories online and things thru the mail so that he could know that i was willing to take this path he offered without reservation.....that i would hold nothing back from him.....that i could be the lusty shebeast of his dreams.....and i complied.....the erotic heat of some of it very inticing to me as well....and i felt myself more and more coming under his power....more and more willing to please him...like the storybook tale of the submissive.....growing more lost to his strength as the days progressed....spending hours on the phone and online talking about what he envisioned our life together would be like....thinking of him as the perfect Master that i had always dreamed of....i'm a skeptic to the end....but he suckered me in with his pretty words...took my dreams and used them as weapons against me....found a few good holds....and jerked me up hard....making me almost swoon with his power.....

and then he demanded that i send him a key to my house.....

don't freak....i didn't.....trust me....this southern belle is more than strong enough to not fall for that......i faltered immediately on the "yes, Master's...." (something i had given him out of respect, even though i told him my opinion of the word in no uncertain terms)...and said no....

he took my fight in good stride....got mad as the daylights to start with....but when i explained my reasons....like the fact that my house is also where my CHILD sleeps.....he said that he understood....and that i could have all the time i needed to get where i would feel comfortable enough to send it to him as tribute to my trust and loyalty.....ok....much better as far as i was concerned.....and i once again let him wrap his web of Dominance around me....feeling more secure in the chance that the relationship had at that point......feeling better about him as a person as well as a Dom....he wrapped me up....made me feel special and wonderful....and i basked in the glow of his attentions....

and barely 12 hours later he brought the walls crashing down on me again....by changing his mind... and DEMANDING that i send it immediately.....to prove my trust to him....or he would walk out of my life forever....taking the dream with him.....

if i had been a weaker person.....i would have found it much harder to deny him.....he was so damned magnetic that even i found it hard to stand up to him.....to tell him NO in no uncertain terms.....to let my logical mind take possession of my submissive heart that he had already learned to dangle from a string....ready to snatch it back at a second's notice....when demanding did not work he raved.....and when that failed he threatened.... all of which made me....the tough, self-reliant iron southern belle....weak in the knees.....he is so powerful that words cannot begin to describe him....

but not as powerful me.....as a mother whose instincts are geared to protecting my child....as an educated submissive who knows the realities despite the dreams......i severed all ties......

the reason for this long ramble is not to have a format to spill my guts for my own self-abasement .....it is to warn new subs of this danger.....there are some who can take the strongest of us (not claiming that's me by anymeans....) and tear them down to nothing....some that are so totally charismatic and intuitive that they can charm and beguile you so easily....no matter how tough you are.....because inside you *really* want this life more than anything.....and they will find the keys to use it against you......to make you do things that your *logical brain* screams NO at the top of its lungs about......

having my child and a large group of BDSM friends i could talk to saved me.....if it had just been me in this house....if i did not have the support group that i hold so dear...i might not have reacted the same way...might have felt that *I* was strong enough to handle anything bad that might have happened because of the foolish act of sending out a key.....thinking "oh, i can just change the locks if he turns out to be a jerk"....

he had me that stupid...........as much as i hate to admit it in public.....

please, new people......get some good friends in the lifestyle who will talk sense into you when you need it about things like this....find a support group, online if you have to, that will help you see the signs when you meet a control freak like this......they can sneak right up on you before you know it.....

Lane
(sad at the way things ended....but proud of the way she handled it with self-honor first....and submissive honor second......)