Teaching a Dominant

personal view by shedevyl

Dear xxxxx:


Take heart. I am a VERY experienced real life submissive. It is only because I have so much experience and know myself so well, that I can appreciate what I term "a natural born Dom". If I was new to the scene, of a "slave-robot" nature or of limited experience, I would not feel comfortable with anyone without experience. But I have lived this lifestyle long enough to be exposed to so many people, including many "experienced" Doms, to know that experience often isn't all it might seem. Oh the stories I could tell.

I could write a book, but although there are wonderful Doms with great experience, there are also incredible Doms who are just coming out. I would much rather be with a Dom who is a "natural" and open to understanding

Too many Doms with experience have closed themselves off to learning, and find it threatening to think that their submissive might know something they need to learn about her, or BDSM in general. A "natural" Dom, IMHO, is always in a state of becoming and growth, never stagnant or "having already arrived". There is always more to learn about his submissive, about himself, about the relationship, about life and love. If you already know everything, how are you ever going to find out?

I believe with each new relationship, we are ALL basically starting from scratch, or should be to a large degree. Any dufuss can learn safety and techniques, how to strike a match with a singletail, or the theory behind certain actions. The skills and knowledge are learnable, but the heart of a Dom is a treasure that some simply don't demonstrate, or seem to possess.

A "natural Dom" is a rare and wonderful find, whether he has 30 years of experience or none. Some men just have a natural and wonderful appreciation and inner commitment for being a Dominant, and all the highest and best it encompasses. Some men can just see the beauty of a D/s relationship without the actual experience, just as there are submissives who intuitively "know" and understand with out experience. These are the worthy ones, and any submissive who is searching and finds one, would be most fortunate to invest herself in this man's growth process. She will forever reap the incredible rewards, and will probably find a Master who is everything she has dreamed of, without having to unlearn anything, or having to try to get past the "baggage" of previous relationships, and preconceived notions of how it "should" be, no matter what submissive he is with.

He will be flexible, open, eager, and more than willing to take the reins. Let's not base everything on experience. The best part of D/s isn't taught anyway, it's a spirit that is caught! (IMHO) There are those who are so jaded, that the "zest" and passion for D/s has long subsided. There are those who have such a strong sense of what they want, that there is no room for who you are, and your needs. There is, upon occasion, and depending on the Dom, of course, a downside to the experience thing.

Of course, there are wannabes, with no experience, who are simply dilletantes dabbling at it for fun, who will never understand how seriously you, as a submissive, take it. No one wants to be a guinea pig! But I am speaking of the ones with vision, and deep appreciation, who already know it is WHO they are, fully and completely, and desire to begin living as their true selves. These are the great ones who deserve and will reward richly the submissive who perceives this, and invests herself.

I have never been in a quality relationship where there wasn't 'training' going on from both sides. I wouldn't BE in a relationship, where I was expected to comply to the Dom's preconceived notions and assumptions regarding myself, without a lot of input from me, and understanding from him.

We are all beginners with each new relationship. You can draw on past experience to make things safe and sane, skilled technically, and knowing what your own needs are very fully. These are all great qualities. And perhaps a newer Dom might not appeal to a submissive who calls herself 'slave' and doesn't want ANY responsibility for herself, but wants to be shaped and formed to a Dom's needs and will, or perhaps one who is just discovering her own submissive self, and feels it wouldn't make her feel submissive to learn together with her Dom.

Just as there are wonderful, true, blossoming, eager and enthusiastic submissives who have an open heart and a inner peace and certainty with this chosen lifestyle (or playstyle), who have no experience yet, there are Doms who are the same way. They are all treasures. Experience can be an asset, or it can be a detriment, or both in the same person, but to me, inner commitment to being Dom or sub is the bottom line, and this is often confused with experience. I look for someone who is reality based, and very certain of his Dominant nature. Sometimes, this has nothing to do with prior experience. Some people just know themselves so well, and take to it, like a duck takes to water. It's natural and joyous to them.

Okay...stepping down from my soapbox.

Love in D/s,
shedevyl