Your Kink is Not My Kink

personal view by Michael K. Willis

The online world is a wondrous place for those of us sincerely drawn to BDSM. It allows for interactions worldwide with others feeling the same calling...folks we would probably never have a chance to interact with (the world being the sprawling, crowded place that it is...not to mention that we dwell on what most consider a shadowy, scary edge of human interaction and are, as a matter of course, circumspect when dealing with the "vanilla" world.)

I am gladdened by the breadth of information and chances to interact in the BDSM "community" afforded by the Net (some of the links listed below being wonderful places to start an exploration.)

The "community" (I put that word in quotes because BDSM is a fractious, loosely-knit gathering of "tribes", each with their own focus and prejudices...considering us members of a grand and welcoming "community" is a romantic notion but not one with much basis in everyday reality) is well-served by the freedom, anonymity, and global reach of the online world.

That said, I find myself disheartened by one pervasive aspect of online BDSM interactions...that being a startling amount of intolerance for the experiences, decisions, and boundaries of others in the "community". I find it startling because we, as a group (however loosely-knit that group might be) dwell in a part of society considered "politically incorrect"or even downright reprehensible and one would hope that "live and let live" would be a credo we would all take to heart when dealing with each other.

This is, of course, a naive notion...we are human and we are as much of our all-too-human foolishness (our myopia, our zealously-guarded bigotries, our self-righteousness) as we are of our greatness (our ability to love, to dream, to build, to learn and grow)...but one would hope that it would be more aware of it and try to actively be more tolerant.

But this isn't often enough the case. Nowhere is this more true than on that uniquely-online form of group interaction, the BDSM-related Internet Mailing Lists (an interesting microcosm of the "community" as a whole), where intolerance, myopia, and pompous self-righteousness too often carry the day.

Nothing seems to bring out the misdirected passions of folks in the "community" like the violation of invisible semantical boundaries. It's not enough to decide to proclaim, for example, that one is a "sub" and (universe forbid!) and not a "slave", and far too many folks decide that they have to vehemently deride those who are comfortable calling themselves (or, if they are the Dominant member, those whom they own...have collared...are in a relationship with...pick your own comfort zone phrase here) "slaves".

Similar intolerance is too often displayed (from both ends of the spectrum) by those involved in BDSM who experienced childhood physical and/or sexual abuse and those who have not. Relate a story mentioning any abuse one might have experienced and a kneejerk minority begins, almost as one, accusing the teller of being a whiner or of fishing of pity (this is probably the case some times...but so what?) The abusees then circle their wagons and defensively return fire accusing others of being insensitive to their pain and inconsiderate of their experience (again, true often enough...but why rise to the bait?)

And don't let the conversation turn to polygamy or online D/s relationships...the fire from those who strongly endorse opinions pro or con too often becomes relentlessly intolerant, as if those on the other side of the issue had quite personally insulted them by living their lives in the ways they chose.

If the parties involved in any kind of relationship are of legal age and have freely entered into that relationship, what else matters? If one thinks the relationship is strange, saying so is, of course acceptable, but behaving as if someone else's reality is a personal affront to you...an affront that must be crushed and made to go away...is not acceptable at all. Or at least it shouldn't be. High horses and soapboxes are eagerly climbed upon in the name of communication and "sharing" but the result is too often contentious, self-righteous preaching extolling inflexible, close-minded positions with no room given for dissent. Holding passionate opinions is our right as human beings, self-aware citizens of the world and the universe and this is not something that can (or should) change. But once we believe that our way of relating to BDSM (or any other aspect of life for that matter) is the ONLY way to see things ("I'm right and you're wrong and that's that") then we are lost.

It is a big world...with plenty of room for everyone's opinions, perspectives, experiences, beliefs, and dreams...we don't have to agree with everyone else but we should be open-minded and open-hearted enough to leave space for everyone else (however stupid and/or misguided we think them to be sometimes -) We are adults and "agreeing to disagree" should be something that we can all take for granted (a rollicking disagreement can be an invigorating way to exchange ideas and experiences...but not when closed minds prevents even the slightest appreciation of dissenting points of view.)

Or, more simply (and, protect me blessed universe, but I'm about to quote the redoubtable Mr. Rodney King), can't we all just get

along? Dealing with a puritanical "vanilla" society would seem to be struggle enough, why expend so much energy splitting off into cliques within the "community" itself and tearing each other down? *Sigh* I just don't get it.

Addendum

I do not stand on my own high horse with anything I've written here (well, maybe a little...but hey, I'm a man and a Dom but never claimed to be perfect -)...I freely admit that I could be wrong (however improbable that might be -) and I have my own beliefs and boundaries which are strong (if, hopefully, not completely inflexible...life is all about learning and learning always leads to the possibility of embracing new "realities".)

For the record I don't get that hung up on "titles" I have no "nom-de-BDSM" ("Master Mayhem" or "Sir Stud" or some such) for example (frankly I find it kind of silly but that's me and if it works for others then that's fine.) I am a Dominant Man but I don't think I have to wear it on my shoulder like a badge of honor in order to "prove" it to anyone. If a sub thinks me worthy of being addressed as "Sir", I accept that with pleasure and honor. I do not allow any sub who does not belong to me to call me "Master", but I have no problem with being addressed thusly by one who wears my "collar"

I know that "slave" is a loaded, powerful word and I don't use it casually...but I do not shy away from it in the right context because it is a useful and appropriate word. I don't think that "submissive" and "slave" are interchangeable...but neither one is derogatory.

As a Dominant Man, I feel that polygamy is a man's right if he wishes to deal with more than one sub/slave at the same time but only if he is willing and able to deal with the responsibilities and duties of such a situation.

I don't personally see much value in D/s relationships that are strictly cyber but that, again, is my experience...if it works for someone then it's all to the good.

I have a problem with "subs" who revel in being "brats" and "bitches"...those who don't understand that there is a difference between being forthright and thoughtful and being pointlessly strident, self-absorbed, and abrasive (but instead of engaging these kind of folks in pointless arguments, I ignore them and let them go their own way...they have chosen a path and I honor it without having to understand or accept it.)

While I believe that submission is a gift (and indeed a precious one, worthy of utmost respect, protection, and utmost care), I have a problem with those who coyly and pompously speak of their "GIFT" as though it were the most precious thing in the universe, wearing it like some chaste badge of honor for all the world to see.

I mention these things because they are true. FOR ME. I don't care if you disagree with any or all of my beliefs... they're mine and you don't have to agree with them. And if it comes that one of my beliefs turns out to be "wrong", I will be man enough to admit it.

We inhabit a wondrous and challenging area of human interaction, those of us sincerely called to BDSM, and it's a shame to see the potential too often sidetracked in foolish disagreements over words, titles, and personal experiences. We, each of us, have our own journey...the journey from here to the light that will take us to whatever lies beyond this life...and we should embrace that journey and, at the same time, respect that everyone has a journey to take in his own way.

Being grownups, we can argue...and maybe even agree from time to time...and get along at the same time. That's something else I believe -)

Namaste, y'all.